Chronic Illness + Systemic Suicide

Bipolar disorder, suicidal ideation, Celiac's disease, scoliosis...

About time to give an update on my health, I guess. I haven't for a while because I've been afraid of how people will perceive me because I feel so weak but this is just how I am.

I finally saw a psychiatrist for the first time. He told me that if I don't make some changes in my life, I'm not going to make it to my 30s...

Not making it to my 30s is a very specific fear that I've had since I was a teen with aggressively progressing scoliosis and sinking deep into despair. My mom alternated a lot between telling me that I'll be totally crippled by my 30s (based on some doctors' words) and that God was going to supernaturally heal me eventually...she just "knew".

I believed and trusted in God with my whole heart, but he or they or it still haven't saved me or "made me whole again".

Bipolar disorder

The psychiatrist I talked to supports my transition as vital to my mental and physical health. But as for my mental illness, he emphasized that I need to care for myself first and foremost before I can help others, especially as a social worker. He definitely has a point and I know all of this logically, but putting consistent self-care into practice is a massive challenge for me, especially considering that I've been living with clinical depression since I was 11. I'm also a recovering people-pleaser.

I've been taking daily medication to take the edge off of my mood swings for a while. I've been increasingly stabilizing, which is HARD with a bipolar brain. But I finally seem to be finding a balance for the first time after a lifetime of emotions taking the wheels and overwhelming my senses.

I just hope I can continue to access and pay for my monthly meds, because otherwise I'm screwed.

Celiac's disease

I’ve dealt with Celiac’s my whole life. It’s a genetic autoimmune disease where the intestines can’t absorb nutrients from gluten and get damaged every time I'm exposed. Other allergies and health conditions can develop, too…like I’m also allergic to dairy and have to cut out a lot of other foods until my gut heals more.

My symptoms from Celiac’s disease may be the worst they’ve ever been, especially since I was forced to eat gluten to survive for about a year. Turns out I was slowly starving myself anyway.

I don’t eat any form gluten at all anymore because I’ll get extremely ill. But if I’m also exposed to cross contamination, I’ll get ill. I have to look up every brand, product, and manufacturer to see if I can safely eat something. I have to make all my own meals in my own kitchen.

I can’t eat at friends’ houses unless their kitchen is 100% decontaminated. I can’t eat out anywhere unless the restaurant is 100% gluten free or takes extreme caution. I can’t even inhale it or use certain hygiene products because of my extreme sensitivity, because mucous membranes absorb gluten too.

Some of my symptoms are abdominal pain, bloating, intestine inflammation, severe diarrhea, bad gas, nausea, malnutrition, joint pain, brain fog, chronic fatigue, and depression...like I need any more of that. I’m also at risk for developing anemia, osteoporosis, and intestinal cancer. I've had a horrible, spotty orange rash for years that covers so much of my skin and keeps spreading no matter what I try. Steroid creams only help so much.

People often think I’m being OCD or over-dramatic about my allergy. Which yes, I DO have OCD, but I also have an autoimmune disease that puts me at risk for other illnesses and is slowly killing me, and I’m just starting to realizing how life-threatening my condition is.

I guess I’m saying all of this because most people don’t know just how horrible and debilitating Celiac’s is…especially on top of all my other disabilities. With full-blown bipolar and this disease (thanks, shitty genetics), my emotional and physical fatigue seem ultimately insurmountable at this point.

I Am. So. Tired. I feel like I could pass out from fatigue any day now and not wake up, which sounds so tempting sometimes.

Scoliosis & Systemic Barriers

Soooo I don't know if this is a sign from the universe or what that I keep being reminded of my limited life span, because that's eerily, devastatingly specific to be warned by a professional about my limited life span...especially with how I can't afford most of my healthcare and bills. I'm on my own with handling my health with support from friends but very little actual societal support. Insurance? Family trust? Maybe, but I likely still have to pay a huge chunk of money that I don't have out of pocket for any of the specialized treatment and surgeries I need.

If I'm being perfectly realistic and honest, I will be totally crippled before 30 if I can't afford surgery. My pain and disability keep increasing, and I'm just 23. I never asked for this body or any of these shitty circumstances that, combined, created the perfect storm and produced me.

I still don't know if I'm going to last through my 20s, and not just because of mental health. I've thought for years that I'm living on borrowed time with all the odds stacked against me. That's why, increasingly each year, when I make it to another birthday, I'm not just celebrating my life, but the fact that death hasn't fully claimed me yet.

I can’t exactly afford medical care for my health problems right now (or my bills, for that matter), but I also can’t afford not to.

And anyway, I'm stuck living in a society that actively seeks to systemically murder me on many counts, with a huge recession on the horizon and billionaires inflating all costs. What psychiatrist, doctor, pill, therapy, or surgery can heal that?

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