I Have a Dream

To not wake up

The way out or suicidal ideation by George Grie

When people ask me

“Do you have a plan?”

They usually mean

If I have the motive to kill myself

If I have the means to make the purchase

If I have the courage to make the cut

Or tie the knot or pull the trigger

Not where I see myself in 5 years

Impossible when you have tunnel vision

Who cares about marriage and college

When you don’t want to be here tomorrow

I took shame and despair as wives

Swore to hold them white knuckled

Through this endless purgatory

I’m supposed to cast with colorful characters

Entertain and call a life

I’ve only landed ass up

In the psych unit once so far

A feat with both bipolar and PTSD

Scared of my own shadow

Chronically ill with

Wanting to fuck everyone

And fight God

And die

On shuffle and repeat

Then call it a day

The last day

Damn, I can’t wait

I know I shouldn't say that

But every time they ask me

"Do you ever wish you could

Go to sleep and not wake up?"

In a dry, bored tone like

We're not discussing

My (end of) life plan

Every fiber of my being

Screams fuck yes!

I wish I could dream death into existence

Even when I'm drawing out my desires

When I savor small victories

And my days fade with a smile

Meds help but seem to delay the inevitable

Because my mind is a prison

But I lock the truth

Not myself

Away

Do I want to sleep forever?

I say no

I rate my depression a 3

I have 5 years waiting for me impatiently

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