I Used to Restrict and Punish Myself

I used to restrict and punish myself...with food and exercise. Here's why I did and why I stopped.

To Clarify

I honestly had an eating disorder. There was I time when I obsessed and worried over what I would eat and when/how much I would exercise. You could say that I had an addiction to health. Not as bad as being addicted to junk food, sure, but still an addiction all the same.

Body Image, Nutrition, and Exercise

For me, my poor body image resulted directly in my search for a better diet and exercise to lose fat. That was my primary motivation, as it is for many people (especially women).

The endless cycle

Of course, many people enter into nutrition and fitness with a much healthier and mindset, but for me, my healthy lifestyle was triggered by insecurity, fear, and a need to feel in control.

Coping Mechanism

At the time, I was at a low point emotionally and on a continuous downward spiral with the condition of my spine. I turned to exercise to try and change what I could about my body. When I didn't see progress, I realized I needed to clean up my eating because after all, you can't out-exercise a poor diet.

Obsession

Once I'd fully committed to a healthy lifestyle, I'd cut out gluten, wheat, grains, dairy, refined sugar, and even fruit. It started slowly. I educated myself on the difference between healthy, natural sugars and processed, man-made sugar. But that wasn't enough. I became obsessed with eating a flawless diet and following a strict workout regimen.

Restriction

I eventually got to the point where I was afraid to let fruit pass through my lips lest I gain an ounce of fat.

Obviously, this is just as unhealthy as a mindset to be in as someone who is addicted to junk food and leads a sedentary lifestyle.

Punishment

Just as with my diet, I viewed exercise as a necessary evil that I was a slave to in order to have the "ideal body".

Instead of exercising for my health, I used it to punish myself for slipping up nutritionally and expel my low self-worth and anger.

Anytime I realized that I had "allowed myself" to experience a setback with fitness progress, I spiralled into depression and hated on my body even more. I took it out on myself. I pushed myself harder, longer, and more frequently. I was afraid to take rest days because in my mind, I'd be and feel "lazy."

Changing My Mindset

I have been working out with FitnessBlender (www.fitnessblender.com), an online husband and wife team, for about four years. Through them, I discovered a passion for fitness...and love for my body and appreciation for what it can do. They regularly talk about exercise and body myths during their workout videos.

Something Kelli of FitnessBlender said will always stick with me:

Your primary motivation for exercise should be to energize and strengthen yourself. If you exercise only to get results, you will always be disappointed and frustrated. But if you work out to take care of yourself, then you will be much happier and achieve fitness results as an added benefit.

Once I finally came to terms with the fact that a healthy lifestyle is more about how you feel and not how you look, my mindset was revolutionized.

I still don't eat gluten, wheat, refined sugar, or dairy. However, I allow myself to eat quinoa, a grain, and dairy on occasion. I now enjoy eating fruit (in moderation).

I am able to handle setbacks with grace. Sugar is not the enemy. Exercise is not the enemy. And neither is my body. I'm in awe of all I'm capable of despite my physical disability.

Do I have the six pack that I want 24/7? No, but few do. I am much happier with my body than I have ever been because I have been released from the shackles of performance, perfection, and punishment. As Kelli says, if you nourish and move your body to be healthy, then results will be a bonus.