1 YEAR ON TESTOSTERONE!

Zoë Ariel Dunning
Jul 25, 2022
5 min read

Updated: Aug 4, 2024

I celebrated my 1st rebirthday a year (and a half) on March 23, 2021, the date that I injected my first testosterone shot. I was reborn right before Easter last year and wrote about the start of my transition at the 3 month mark. (Cover art by Koiboi11)

2020 vs 2022

DISCLAIMER: None of the information in this post or on my blog is intended to supplement medical care or advice. I am not a doctor; I am simply a non-binary trans person sharing MY experience of receiving testosterone doses. I am disclosing my dosage amount as one detail of MY care, not to be used as any sort of medical standard. Talk to your doctor before adjusting your own dosage or care.

Furthermore, please understand that I am choosing to share about this aspect of my life. I am willingly and vulnerably disclosing very personal medical details and care. If you are uncomfortable with needles and discussion of genitalia/body changes, this post isn't for you. None of the information I share is acceptable to be used against me in any way.

1 year.

1 year of learning.

1 year of finally falling in love with myself.

1 year of crying with grief and joy.

1 year of suffering as I lost even more of my old life.

1 year of shedding more expectations and restraints.

1 year of radical transformation.

1 year ago, I injected myself with my first dose of testosterone. I didn’t have many supportive people in my life, and I was in process of losing my family over it. I was so underweight and so desperately hopeful. Transitioning has saved my life in a number of ways, including shedding light on the people and negativity that I needed to clear out.

Changes on Testosterone So Far

Some of my used T vials

Social Changes

Well, I wear whatever the fuck I want most of the time. I don't act like men or women are supposed to. I use products and wear clothes for men and women.

But many people I've never met hate that about me. Online strangers have harassed me and told me to kill myself or that they hope I die over something as simple as a disagreement or me saying literally anything on a public forum.

"Go join the 41%. You will soon anyway."

"We need to criminalize the transgenders!"

"Lol ok you're mentally ill and deluded so nothing you say matters."

I get a lot of different stares from people too. I used to be envied by women and fetishized by men, whose eyes would latch onto my chest like a magnet. Of course, I still have to deal with creepy queer men, but at least no straight men anymore. Most of them give me weird looks when I look very queer. Sometimes they'll will put their heads together and laugh while watching me from across the room. If they're not homophobic, they give me the lil head nod that they exchange with other men. Women are overall more accepting and affirming of my presentation, like I expected.

I mostly feel good in my skin now but also constantly nervous about how others will perceive my very hairy body when I present more feminine. I'm growing to love how I look, but I’m always afraid of rejection, judgement, and harassment for being different.

Unexpectedly, some people perceive me as a trans woman now! As in, that I was assigned male at birth and transitioning. One of my coworkers thought I was for months because I use my birth name still and am a hairy person that dresses feminine a lot. I enjoy apparently fucking with people's perception of my gender, but I know that looking like a man in a dress puts me more at risk for harassment and violence.

I usually go to the bathroom with my friends in public or ask them to wait outside because I use the men's now. I have been since very early on in my transition. I go in, do my business, and leave. Simple. No one needs to know what genitals I do or don't have. I piss and shit like everyone else.

However, I know many people feel that trans people must be malicious predators just because we use the bathroom that we feel most comfortable in. Of course, many people also say shit like "If I saw a man in a dress go in the women's, I would beat his ass!" and "They're perverts who transition just to invade women's spaces!" (I don't have the time or energy to go into how ridiculous of an argument that is, but I'll write about it another time.)

The sooner we can shake the narrative that trans people are brave and that we have to be, the faster we can normalise our existence and lead as regular of lives as possible.

I don’t want to be brave. I want to be comfortable, accepted, and safe.

Mental and Emotional Changes

Like I've written about before, I've experienced much more inner peace and mental stability since starting T. Not only do my hormones and emotions feel more balanced, but seeing my body change in real time has been so healing.

I look back at my past self as if I am looking at a stranger...a beautiful yet alien person. I also look back with so much compassion and appreciation because I look(ed) hot! I’m also saddened because I had to pretend to be someone else. I tried so hard to conform to femininity and beauty standards, always feeling like I fell short and didn’t present perfect enough.

Something I didn't account for is that I could feel gender euphoria and dysphoria simultaneously. Yet I do, daily. Such a bittersweet experience.

Physical Changes

The time has disappeared but also stretched on in the best possible way. Noticing daily each small change in my body and how I finally am starting to see myself in the mirror has been so transformative and healing already.

3 Months

I wrote all about my first benchmark, how I started care, and all that here.

6 Months

Biggest continual changes: voice deepening and hair growth.

8 months

Continued bottom growth, voice deepening, muscle thickening, much more acne, face shape starting to change, and explosion of hair growth all over (especially on my chest, stomach, and face). Somehow more eye wrinkles too.

12 months!!

I sound, smell, eat, and look like a boy.

My bottom growth continues in both width and length quite a bit!

My skin is oiiiiily and my acne abundant.

My voice drops deeper what feels like every month, and I can't wait to hear where I'll be in another year!

My abdomen and fat distribution have changed so much!! This is the biggest transformation I’ve gone through recently—other than becoming more muscular.

I’m growing out of my clothes SO QUICKLY. I forgot that was going to be a thing in second puberty. Awesome because I’m finally in full recovery from my eating disorder the more my transition alleviates my dysphoria!

Taking lots of pics of myself helps with body positivity and dysphoria. I get to witness daily how much my beautiful, flawed, chronically ill, trans body has changed already and appreciate the journey.

I’m starting to truly recover from my eating disorder as my body continues to look and feel like my own more and more, and my appetite is insatiable again! I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been because of multiplying fat and muscle and skin…and I’m finally happy about the healthy weight gain.