2 YEARS ON TESTOSTERONE!!

Zoë Ariel Dunning
Apr 8, 2023
6 min read

Updated: Mar 28, 2024

DISCLAIMER: None of the information in this post or on my blog is intended to supplement medical care or advice. I am not a doctor; I am simply a non-binary trans person sharing MY experience of going through masculinizing hormone therapy. Talk to your doctor before adjusting your own dosage or care.

Furthermore, please understand that I am choosing to share about this aspect of my life. I am willingly and vulnerably disclosing very personal medical details and care. If you are uncomfortable with needles and discussion of genitalia/body changes, this post isn't for you. None of the information I share is acceptable to be used against me in any way.

2 years.

2 years of losing most of the privilege I had.

2 years of mourning my family and former life.

2 years of celebrating with found community.

2 years of dysphoria and wishing for different body parts (well, 2 years I've been aware of it).

2 years of euphoria as I sink into my own skin.

2 years of starting to see myself in the mirror.

…starting to. I still am not there yet.

All my T vials so far

Changes on Testosterone

I've written about my first 3 months and first year before.

Social Changes

I recently wrote about the harassment I've been getting. That and all these laws have had a devastating impact on my already fragile mental health. Sadly, it seems almost impossible to write about being trans without talking about transphobia because of how much it affects me and my transition. I mean, some states are trying to outlaw gender affirming care for adults too...I try not to dwell too long on the possibility of that coming to Missouri because that only leads to a dark place. I'm trying to enjoy being trans but it's so damn difficult right now.

I go out in public always with my guard raised, hypervigilant to my surroundings, especially when I'm dressed up. I pass as a man now. I have people say they thought I was assigned male at birth and strangers tell me, "You'll always be a man" when they find out I'm trans lol. If I'm gender conforming enough, men will give me the little head nod of acknowledgment that they only seem to give to other men. This sounds obvious and trivial, but if random cishet men aren't being homo/transphobic, they will stop and talk to me in public...like an equal. Not in a flirty or harassing way and not talking down to me as they would a womyn. Surprises me every time because I always steel myself when a man approaches me, as experience has taught me to be very wary.

I'm hit on way less, thank gods. Now usually I get stares (sometimes comments) for being gender non-conforming. I get hit on mostly by womyn and trans/non-binary people now. When it's from men, they're decidedly queer, which is gender affirming, since I always wanted to be gay but for dudes (and that didn't make sense as a teen girl).

Also, every time someone refers to me as he or they, and especially ze/zhim/zir, I'm surprised and get a jolt of euphoria. Every time, even after over two years of being out. I'm like,

"Oh, that's me?? I'm perceived as masculine?"

It's the little things that are affirming that people don't even realize. Even that makes my day.

There is no winning with binary gendered bathrooms. I use the men's without a second thought because I pass. I have people say they thought I was assigned male at birth and strangers tell me, "You'll always be a man" when they find out I'm trans, thinking that I'm a trans womyn. I can't use the womyn's because womyn would be outraged and feel unsafe if they saw a masculine person in there. But according to new laws, which could easily be introduced in Missouri, I would be forced to use the "right" bathroom according to the gender I was assigned at birth. Sometimes I will still use the womyn's if I've shaved my face and dressed super femme so I'm not harassed in the men's.

There's no winning with the gender binary in general. I wear womyn's/men's clothes, use both kinds of products, etc. Oftentimes social dysphoria is the most painful since I fit literally nowhere except queer spaces, and even then, only really in trans-specific spaces. The weekly open mics I go to and share my poetry at are attended overwhelmingly by other queer people, and many of the regulars are also trans. One of my only safe homes away from home.

Mental, Emotional, and Physical Changes

Despite my mental illnesses and the world being so fucking chaotic lately, I am still the most stable emotionally that I've ever been. My body truly knows I'm on the right hormones now, which have been extremely beneficial. My brain has transformed beyond my wildest dreams in the process. I am literally a different person on a cellular level.

I just gave myself my 104th testosterone cypionate injection that I do weekly. I've continued to have:

Bottom growth
An explosion of hair that is thicker and coarser than ever
A beard!
Thicker, more oily skin
Bigger/more swollen hands and feet
Bigger veins
More sweaty
Different body odor
Denser, heavier bones
Fat redistribution on my body and face
Deeper voice
And no period (thank gods)

Potentially will start experiencing hairline recession and baldness, but there's another medication I can take that prevents that. Supposedly I'm experiencing vaginal/uterus atrophy and will need a hysterectomy eventually. I don't have any pain though (outside of general chronic pain). I also am looking forward to becoming infertile, which isn't guaranteed as many transmasc people go off testosterone and are still able to conceive and carry, BUT the odds are in my favor.

I've gained over 30 pounds since the start of my transition, more fat and muscle and bone, especially as I've been recovering from an eating disorder. Last I checked, I weigh about 160! I've been growing out of my clothes quickly and can't afford new ones. Really triggers my body dysmorphia, especially because I have hip dysphoria and some curves that I can't ever change, but overall happy about it! I wasn't able to gain weight for years. I'm soooo much stronger too. I can actually open jars lol! I've been working out regularly for the past several months and just started jiu-jitsu. I still don't have access to enough food to satiate my appetite though, which is almost as high as it was during my first puberty.

I get my blood and hormone levels tested every 6 months. My white blood cell count and everything come back great every time and my doctor is very pleased. My testosterone levels stay within the same range as cis men.

EvolveMD

I get my care now through Dr. Anthony Strickland with Evolve MD, which is an online service that I very highly recommend. Dr. Strickland is a trans-affirming cisgender doctor in the Kansas City area who operates this charity program with a non-binary staff member because he believes that trans care should be accessible and affordable.

EvolveMD is definitely the most affordable option for transgender medical care that I’ve found so far at $50 a month for appointments, unlimited texts and calls with the doctor, on average just $50 more for labs every 3-6 months, and some primary medical care as well. (#notanad)

Overall super fucking ecstatic about my results! And I won't even see the full effects for a couple more years.

Transitioning has saved my life

Literally. When I was at my most suicidal, my most depressed, my most dysphoric, I made the decision to finally treat myself with love and care. I wouldn't be here without it, and if laws take that away from me again, I won't last long. I don't have a future without gender-affirming care. Seriously.

Even though I still live with what is at times crippling dysphoria, I know I'm on the right track. I can't believe I've made it 2 years already!! Time has truly flown by. They say it does when you're having fun. Being trans is a delight, an honor, a sacred experience. Everything they don't tell you on the news. The self-discovery I've explored over the last 2 years has been deeply healing and enlightening.

To my younger self, who had no idea what was yet to unfold...you made it out alive so far, kid. You're living your dream, even if it looks wildly different in reality. Despite all the sometimes insurmountable obstacles you had to work your way around, you made it. You're here and you're queer as fuck, surrounded by community that nourishes and uplifts you.

Like I wrote before,

There’s truly no destination. No before and after. My transition and health recovery will continue for the rest of my life.

I just hope I'll be able to stick around long enough to see it through. I look eagerly forward to another year of outrageous, bold authenticity, no matter the price.

Death before detransition, but also: life before losing hope. Here's to finding my footing and standing strong in my truth, no matter how shaky my faith and new legs.