A Quarter Century of Existence

Solar Return 6/8/24

I’ve been reflecting more on a quarter century of existence. I cried a lot writing this, fuck 😭❤️ Leave it to me to turn everything (optimistic) nihilistic 😌

(Somehow I didn't post the actual poem before? Whoops lol!)

I’m 25

A quarter century old

Currency spent in Silver Jubilee

I think my brain’s

Almost done cooking

Every flavor of neurospicy

Scrambled like eggs

Trying not to scour the pan

I obsessively search for signs

That I’m going bald

The corners of my eyes

Wrinkle like wrapping paper

That I tear off my uncertain future

My smile etches deeper lines

Like darkly shaded sketches

I see my older ex-boyfriends

In my eyes

My dad in my 5 o’clock shadow

My mom in the curve of my mouth

My siblings in the arch of my brows

I never expected to age

I thought I’d be immortalized

As a teenager

I wanted to be...

Better to bury a beautiful corpse

Right?

Aging is a gift, a blessing

That I don’t take for granted anymore

I never expected to see

My friends, family, and lovers age

I watch their hairlines

Creep back slowly

Like they inch toward the grave

I hear their joints start to crack

Their shoulders stoop

And I’m scared to death

That their lives are passing me by

My granny, my only family

In my corner

Has her sights set on me at 35

In 10 years

The average life expectancy

For trans people

I give her a reason

To live another 10 to see 85

She gave me a reason at 21

To keep living

Backed up against

Our shared blood-splattered wall

She’s poured so much

Hope and strength into me

And tended to

My family-inflicted wounds

While I’ve tried to soothe hers

I’m afraid

AND I’m excited

I’m apathetic

AND I’m amazed

I’m dying

AND I’m growing

Mortal bodies, timeless souls

Adult forms, childlike hearts

Turns out I’ve got time to grow old

What a horrible time to be alive

What a beautiful time to be alive

Twenty fucking five

Even though my youth slipped away

I claim all these years as mine

I welcome the waning of my innocence

And the waxing of my wisdom

Ever gaining in truth

A quarter century

I better spend it wisely

I don’t want to waste away

What a horrible and beautiful life

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