Aging Gratefully

Solar Return 6/8/23

Today I am 24

Like my parents were

When they first cradled me

I feel like a newborn

Gazing at my future

With wonder and fear

I came into the world

Kicking and screaming

Fought my family and myself

For an eternity

But all I want now is

Silence and serenity

The years have stood still

Barely stirred

Yet flown with ferocious speed

Lash of time’s whip

And oh, how I love its bite

Growing older is a gift

One I never take for granted

I tear open the paper

Eyes as big as my prize

Hey, I made it another year

Without killing myself!

Woo hoo!

Depression loses again

One down for the count

I’m aging gratefully

Not with grace

In my disabled body

I have to wrestle into shape

Today also marks 2 years

Since I last crossed paths

With my parents and sister

I hate hate HATE

These conflated dates

Their absence kills me

If I had nine lives

They’ve already claimed them all

Drowned me in sorrow

Like they downed the bottle

But I’m learning to live with the pain

Unshoulder the weight of expectations

Grow around my shame

I abhor existence

But community and chosen family

Redeem my suffering

And restore my fragile faith

23 taught me independence

How to bruise and stop the bleed

When to bend and be resilient

Today I am 24

And I hum a hopeful song

Desperate and out of tune

For anyone willing to turn an ear

Thank you

Thank you

Thank you

Here’s to another year

Of learning and losing and loving

Reeling from life’s unflinching sting

Recording my greatest hits

And reveling in the bewildering beauty of it all

Time is on my side

And I don’t want to waste

A precious second

Happy birthday to me