Crippled By Self-Hatred, Scoliosis, Regret, and Uncertainty

I have struggled with scoliosis for over 10 years now, and I’m exhausted from suffering and pretending I’m okay.

A photoshoot for scoliosis that I did my senior year of high school

TW: talk of chronic condition, depression, religious trauma, medical malpractice

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I’ve turned so much self-hatred inward simply for the fact that I’ve been living with scoliosis for over 10 years now, and that sucks.

I was diagnosed at 11, and I distinctly remember those words coming out of my chiropractor’s mouth and my mom’s horrified reaction. I have seen many doctors and been through countless therapies—most painful and ineffective, few truly helpful.

I went through horrible malpractice during my teen years by two doctors who my parents and I trusted. I found out at their office alone (as a minor) in October 2016 that my spine had increased 30-40 degrees in the span of a year under their careless supervision.

I’ll never forget staring at those X-rays and breaking down into tears as the doctor who showed me them just stared at me as his eyes overflowed with guilt and regret.

Less than two weeks later, my mom and I flew to Wisconsin for an emergency two week therapy intensive—during my first semester of my senior year of high school. That intensive was incredibly painful, unhelpful, and just another cash grab by a greedy, egoistical doctor.

For nearly two years after, I had to wear a daily “activity suit” that wrapped around most of my body and twisted my back and hips while I walked. I also had to balance on a yoga half ball with a weight hanging from one of my sides twice a day for 20 mins. Both therapies were supposed to force my spine to realign itself but only filled my daily life with unnecessary pain and anxiety.

I’ve been going through the legal process of trying to sue the two negligent chiropractors (unsuccessfully) and then trying for a settlement (unsuccessfully) since my freshman year of college.

I’ve now been waiting since 2018 for the Kansas Board of Healing Arts to audit them, take their licenses, and potentially lock them up.

I have been needing/waiting on serious spine surgery since I was 15 or 16…but my parents insisted on relying on holistic care and God to supernaturally heal me. They refused to listen to the overwhelming majority of orthopedists/orthosurgeons saying that I needed major surgery.

(All that being said, they tried absolutely everything else in their power and pocketbook to get me the best care possible. They were by my side and suffered with me almost every step of the way, and I'll always be grateful for that.)

I haven’t been able to afford x-rays for a couple years but desperately need them. I’m terrified that my worst curve is now 90+ degrees from all the stress my body’s been under.

I always feel guilty for struggling because of my spine. I’ve only begun this year being completely honest with myself about my physical limitations and pain. The other day at work, I was limping around for part of the day because I somehow pinched a nerve in my right leg just walking around.

Some days, I want to just give up and end it all because I don’t remember what it’s like to have a straight spine, and I am suffering. I can’t escape this flesh prison and I’m tired of hating myself for it…as if I’m to blame. But it feels as if my body has betrayed me.

I finally will get medical insurance from my job, and I will soon try to get approved for a revolutionary spinal surgery that isn’t often covered by insurance companies without an appeal.

The only thing I can do is continue clinging to hope and fighting like hell to get this surgery.

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