Dysphoria: She’s Not Me

A poem about how painful gender dysphoria can be

"Caged" by Jasper Behrends

"I often feel trapped due to my assigned gender and biological genitals. It not only makes me feel like I am missing out on a lot of experiences, but also makes me feel isolated and confined within my biological sex. This piece represents these feelings."

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I would donate the breasts

I used my wish for if I could

That she prayed for

With the same urgency

That other girls willed

For concert tickets

And boyfriends

Now they hang vainly on my chest

A not so holy pendant

A reminder of my origins

Weighing heavily on my mind

Breaking the scale

I clench my legs together

Embarrassed by my tiny dick

Well, the lack of it

Such odd longing

For an appendage

That’s never been mine

That’s never known

What it’s like to kiss my limbs

To join the sweet curve of my thighs

Unfortunately can’t be worn

Like an accessory

Maybe next season

I don’t know who she is

This stranger wearing my skin

But it doesn’t quite fit

I catch my hourglass reflection

And I want to destroy the portal

To whatever dimension shows me

I look like that

A girl

A glorified tranny trying to be a boy

With permanently widened hips

And pussy lips

I’ll shatter this vision

With both bloodied fists

Reassemble and piece the shards

Together again and again

Until they reveal the real me

Fairest of them all, my ass

I want to saw away at myself

Sew with amateur precision

And practiced anguish

Until I resemble your Ken doll

Stitches and all

Need I cannot name

Gnaws through my chest

Self hatred gouges my eyes out

At least I won’t have to witness

The rest of the damage

I want to strip to my skeleton

And dance in the mud and rain

Shed the shame clogging my pores

As easily as gulping fresh air

As painlessly as a quick, clean cut

As mercifully as snapping

And already broken neck

My bones may be deformed

My knuckles bruised

But at least they gleam

In the moonlight

Blemished and bewitching

Just the same as any of you

(And no, you can’t decipher

Sex based off

A decomposed corpse)

These days I wear my body

Like an uninvited, reluctant guest

Tended to but tolerated

Largely ignored

Until the imminent eviction date

This body is an unopened letter

Full of many regrets

But then I show my friends

Who I was pre transition

Their faces light up with disbelief

Fully drinking me in

They declare,

“That’s not you! No way.”

Then I remember

She’s not me anymore

He is

Was she ever?

"Bittersweet" by Jasper Behrends

"This piece is a self-portrait that shows the raw and personal moment when a transgender person takes off their binder. It is a happy moment due to the relief of the pain, but it is also a moment filled with dysphoria and often grief."

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