Space

An original poem about anxious attachment, jealousy, and insecurity in the context of ethical non-monogamy.

https://youtu.be/lRAEYzi_COo

"I need some space," you say

And I can already feel my defenses rising

"I just need some more alone time.

It's not you," you continue

But anxiety's already got me gripped

In a chokehold

"But...I...okay," I manage to gasp out

I'm used to people leaving by now

And I'm sure you'll be no different

Because I've learned that

Space isn't safe

Space is scary

Expansive

Unknown

Distance means that

I am in danger

Distance means that

I will be abandoned

And forgotten

The love I know is reckless

Characterized by intensity

And passion, yes

But also by volume and anger

I know love that is all-encompassing

And suffocating

Love that squeezes me tight

And refuses to let go

I am suffocated by the distance between us

Even if it's only temporary

"I'll only be gone a few hours," you tell me

But my mind spins with possibilities and

If you will return home to me

Not when

"I want to see other people in addition to you.

I still love you," you reassure me

"You're enough as you are."

But no amount of reassurance

Can soothe my restless, fearful mind

That is teeming with possibilities of

How and when you will leave me

Not if

Because when you say, "I'll see you later"

I hear, "I plan on seeing you later,

But anything could happen that

Prevents me from being back in your arms."

When you say, "I'm going out with her.

I love you, and I'll come home."

I hear, "I'm going out with her

Because she fulfills me in a way that

You cannot...and I will come home

Until I realize she's better than you."

When you say, "I love what we have in common,

But I need someone to relate to my past and

My darkness."

I hear, "Even your darkness isn't enough

To match mine, so I will find my match in

Someone else."

I feel the weight of comparison

Crushing me

I hear a ping from your phone

And your face lights up with the screen

As you hurry to type back

I wish you still smiled at me

Like you glow at the person through your phone

And I wonder what exciting conversation

You're having that I am not privileged

To be part of

And when you swear up and down

That you will respect me

And the rock we've built our foundation on

I already am anticipating the earthquake to come

That will shake and shatter my entire world

When you do come back to me

I feel a rush of relief that is like a salve for

The anxious itch inside of me

But as you gather me in your arms again

I can only think of her in your embrace

And all the obstacles that keep us apart.

I feel that itch spread like a rash

That coats my self-worth

"Come back to me," you plead

And I realize that it's not you

Who's been gone this whole time:

It's me

Wrapped up in my own world

That's spinning off its axis

With anxiety that leaves me

Breathless and blind

Unable to see that you're here

You're here

You're right in front of me

And you never actually left

So, please, hold me tightly in your embrace

Even if you'll be gone by the morning

Even if your promises crumble to dust

Even if nothing is left in the devastation of the earthquake

Just know that every time we exchange goodbyes

That I never know if this will be the last time

That I get to look upon your face

Stare into those strong, kind eyes

And feel, "I'm safe.

You came home."

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