Enough

This is the first poem I wrote about abuse and self-worth after not writing for years. I wrote my way out of that abusive relationship.

Art by Ricardo Cavolo https://youtu.be/nVKsNfiE5nU

Contributed to by Audra Hibbs

“Why are you so needy?” 

You grunted in frustration

Your tone and volume approaching 

Dangerous levels

Your energy was swirling around you

Dark and chaotic

Your brow clouded with

An impending storm

About to wreak

Havoc on me

I’m merely a weak sapling

Whipped around by the

Relentless rain and violent winds

My thin branches stripped bare

I didn’t have a good answer

None would satisfy you

Panic stiffened me

And my mind was a blank slate

Tabula rasa

My answer finally emerged

Pulled and pried out of me

By your increasing insistence

And crescendoing rage

What an inharmonious, deafening symphony

I turned my face down to my lap

To blink away my shameful tears

And forced myself to unfreeze

My voice was trembling 

As much as my frame

“I’m just trying to be honest,” 

I whispered

This earned me a fresh lecture 

A tirade of what I’ve done wrong

And why I am wrong

Why I’m a liar

A narcissist

Too sensitive

You were always hellbent 

On teaching me the error of

My ways and the 

Corruption of my character

Why am I not enough for him?

This thought stood out clearly

As my mind melted away from

My physical form

Your mouth carried on moving

And loud, angry words and sounds

Continued spewing out

As you rummaged through my 

Value and usefulness ruthlessly

Picking and discarding bits of me 

As you saw fit

But I’m unseeing and unhearing now

Defeated

Ruminating

I’m not enough

I found myself here

A hollow shell

You a hammer delivering blows

Intended to break me open

So I could pour out my secrets 

And self-worth

At some point along the way 

I internalized the idea 

That all holy things are hard 

Everything sacred must be 

Paid for with suffering 

Nothing is more virtuous than 

Grinding one’s fingers to the bone 

Until death comes

I learned to resist ease 

To be skeptical of joy 

To disdain happiness 

To fear pleasure

And to avoid rest 

I now know that I can never 

Allow myself to be similarly 

Burned and betrayed again 

I can and will be by the side

Of my loved ones 

As they traverse the mountains

And valleys

And hellfire of life

But I will never again cast myself

Into the lake of fire 

To earn their love 

And affection again

I reject elevating pain to a pedestal

I do not choose to postpone joy

I do not choose to believe that 

I am most valuable when 

I am most exhausted 

That I am most lovable when 

I am most depleted 

That I am most holy when 

I am least happy

I will not make a god of difficulty 

I will experience pain when it comes 

But I will not invite it

Into my bed to stay 

I choose to lean

All the way into delight 

On behalf of myself and 

On behalf of all whom I love

I will sit down at the table of joy 

And eat without apology

So as I sit there and take your 

Verbal attacks and endure 

Your emotional brutality

I take back the power

You aren’t the sole author 

Of this narrative

I swallow my fear 

And bite into my first 

Taste of freedom and 

Resolve to take up space

All the space that I have 

Always occupied and deserve to

I am sacred because I exist

I already approve of me 

And you will not have me

I will have my joy now

---

If you appreciate my writing, you can tip me at paypal.me/zoeadunning or cash.app/$zoeadunnin.