5 Years Transitioning: The Boy Who Lived

5 Years of Coming Home to Myself, Safe and Holy

I Am Me by SamHooverArt

These 5 years have been the best and worst of my life

I've been regathering strength

And collecting community worth keeping

Who wrap me up in strong armed hugs

Of unconditional love

But I lost everything

Everything

Everywhere

All at once

When I first shaved my head

I knew there was no point of return

I cracked open like a freshly hatched egg

A fuzzy headed chick turned chirping boy

Lately my gender has been

“Guy but in a genderqueer way”

I find it funny

That we build a shrine to testosterone

Worship it as a MAN’S hormone

Like it’s the building block

And essential ingredient for manhood

Like it isn't coursing through every body

After 5 years on testosterone

I feel more masculine than ever

But still nothing like a man

I told my therapist

How in retrospect

Almost every aspect of my authentic self

That was shut down and shamed

Was my imperfect expression of masculinity

And she asked me,

“What does your masculinity feel like?”

I stopped in shock

Because no one’s ever cared to ask

But I’m always mulling over the thought

My masculinity feels firm and strong

But soft and tender at the center

Like oozing caramel over the enamel

Of my apple core heart

Like a grizzly bear nuzzling their young

Sinking into a soft bed with a heavy sigh

And hairy thighs

Furrowed brows and smile lines

Like unshakeable confidence

Overwhelming joy and hope

I didn’t know was possible

Bubbling up in my chest

That not even bigotry can truly burst

The euphoria from injecting my T shot

Is more potent and pleasurable

Than any ecstasy I’ve dropped

There’s no harsh comedown

No jump scare that rattles me too deeply

No need to be vigilant

For the first hint of danger

Lurking in my skin

I really get to live the rest of my life like this

Bristling with teen angst again

Over a decade delayed

I just want to play outside

And eat pizza for breakfast

And pancakes for dinner

And watch TV

And have constant sex

Act like the teenager I am again

But I have to be a functional adult

With an adult job

And pay adult bills

And I am and I do

But fuck, I just want

To grow up again the right way

Without stressors and pressures

One day I will hopefully

Settle deep into my weathered skin

Rippling like skipping a stone

Over glassy water

Even more beautiful when disturbed

I’m here for a good time and a long time!

I thought I’d have to wait this one out

For my next form

Spin around the reincarnation wheel

For another turn of celestial time

And curse the fates

But I truly get to evolve

Like a fucking Pokémon in this lifetime!!!

I desperately need my next evolution

To be emancipating my chest this year!

I’m counting down

Until my top surgery date

Because every day I continue

To carry this weight causes me

Compounding damage and distress

I keep having dreams

Where I come to after surgery

My chest smoothed from rolling hills

To green flatlands

Two freshly plowed fields

That fade to glossy scars

Marking me like water scours the earth

Critics may view me as mutilated

But I cry from relief, not pain or regret

Then I gasp awake to reality

And still cup my breasts

Disappointment welling up

Like a hot spring yet again

But I cling stubbornly to hope

And refuse to let go

I survived my childhood

I can survive anything

These 5 years have taught me above all


That you don't wait around for fate

To fall in your favor

And just accept when it does not

You go off script and write your own

I found my religion

By making this body a temple

And coming home to myself

How could I possibly be living in sin

When only now I feel safe and holy?

If being queer is wrong

I don’t want to be right

This is the freedom they preach about

And I want to pen powerful hymns

Because I’m finally HIM

Thank God I'm trans!

I think they knew

I would be too powerful with a dick

So I’m a guy born blessed

With three points of entry

Call me by my chosen name—

The Holy Trinity

I spill my sacred scarlet out

I offer this altered flesh

And unbroken spirit

Up for communion

An offering to my altar of authenticity

I may have lost everything

But I gained the way

And the truth

And the life

Transitioning hasn’t solved

All my problems

But now my problems

Feel worth solving

I can envision a real future

In the here and now

You can find me still figuring out neckties

And how to tame a growing beard

From a thicket to a grove

Sitting shirtless in a pool of sun

Digging in the dirt

Huddled under a blanket fort

Staring starstruck up

At the twinkling stratosphere

Pressing down like a weighted blanket

All of this wonder and reclamation of joy

Is to heal my inner boy

I survived my childhood

And now I’m thriving

As who I was always meant to be

So I raise a toast to myself

In a hushed, awed voice…

“To the Boy Who Lived!”