4 Years Transitioning! Character, Reassigned and Resurrected

I wrote this based off the first poem I ever wrote about being trans in 2022, "Character, Assigned and Assassinated".

I reused and reinvented some lines word for word from the original poem, adding a new flourish. I've been working on this for a few months, since my 4 year transversary was April 5. I had to find all the words and I'm very proud of the end product!

2020 right before I started T vs 2024!

What a difference a few years can make lol

When I was a 4 year old girl

The first inkling that

I was different crept in

Divergent

A voice that perched on my shoulder

And fed me scraps of the truth

Tried to dig its claws in

I wish I had more testosterone

Wound through my thoughts

I wish I was like the boys

I wish I had different body parts

But I silenced the truth

To a weak whisper

And shook it off

I disappeared my identity

Exchanged it for the alluring

Comfort of conformity

Until I dissolved

Character, assigned and assassinated

I rematerialized decades later

Snapped back to reality

Whiplash of gravity

4 years ago

On Easter

I injected testosterone

For the first time

And I was resurrected

A vital vascular infusion

That restarted my heart

Refilled my lungs

And reignited hope

The best anti-depressant

I’ve ever taken!

I was so underweight

And sinking in such

A deep, dark, desperate place

That was the first glimmer of light

I glimpsed in a very long time

In my melancholy monochrome past

I was so busy thinking of death

I forgot to actually live

I chewed up volumes of paper

So much useless pulp

So many senseless scripts

For the Girl character I was typecast in

But I cast out the old plot line

Hooked a new one

Where I don't have to swallow

Down my chosen name

New to others but not me

Now I spit it proudly onto the page

The ink that spills from my mouth

Spelling out a fresh future

Hot off the press

More new people know me

As Zack than Zoë

And everyone who greets me

Meets my real face

I’ve been going through puberty

Since I was 11!!

I’m 26, swiftly approaching 30

Halfway through my second one now

Correcting the course

Of nature's cosmic mistake

I just want to grow up again

The right way

I’ve been living in Neverland

For far too long

Stuck in Jane’s body

But it’s time to fly back home

Hand in hand with Peter Pan

Turns out the shadow I was fleeing

Was mine

I’m skilled at adapting to adversity

Now a warm-blooded chameleon

With stronger, more colorful scales

I’m built to stand out, not blend in

An ever-evolving masterpiece

In the making

Every single one of my cells

Has changed

Including my taste buds

And my taste in people

I wear men’s cologne

And women’s clothing

Use whichever bathroom I’m feeling

Depending on the day

(And safety)

I’m boldly and unapologetically

Authentic

Even when it’s unpopular….

Especially when it’s unpopular

This isn’t just a “phase”

And what is life

If not a series of phases?

Do any of us really 

Always stay the same?

If you do I don’t think

You’re really living

I made biology my BITCH

Self-made and customized

4 years of the greatest chemistry

Experiment known to man

Magic potions to transfigure

My mortal form

Not that this treatment is experimental

But I embarked on an expedition

Into the unknown—myself

Uncharted gender territory

I didn’t dare to brave

For far too long

Injecting testosterone

Has taught me patience

That some pain is necessary

For growth and healing

The piercing may be sharp and sting

But I smile through it

Relief rushes through my veins

And it’s over as quickly as it cuts

Then I grow tougher skin

The sore spots of scar tissue

On my stomach

Carry such a welcome ache

A tender reminder that I am

Consciously choosing life

I will never, ever, ever detransition

No matter what

I will never regret redefining myself

On my own terms

I hit bone in the meat of the matter

And daily sink my teeth

Into real substance

So rich that sometimes

I can barely stand the burst of flavor

My eyes salivating

I've torn out of the pages and words

That have been printed

To keep me in line

With trans JOY

I don't just leave handprints

In the margins anymore

I fill up libraries with my thoughts

Paint broad brushstrokes

Across the lines

Because they don't exist 

And I do

I’m driven to follow this path

There’s no final destination

So the road keeps unraveling

A spool of thread that can’t be cut

The fates hand-tied

This closet case isn’t closed

But broken wide open

Fate and family

No longer wield the pen

I do

And Chapter 4 is titled:

Character, reassigned and resurrected

The story is far from over. The plot is just thickening and ripening, and fuck, it tastes and feels good!