5 YEARS Without You!

Do you remember

Happy together?

I do

You always made my birthdays so special 

Remember the year I turned 8?

I dressed up as a princess

And posed for portraits 

Draping myself across the grounds of

Castle Glen Eyrie

I still flip through that scrapbook

Smiling fondly through misty eyes

Never letting the dust settle too thickly

I always knew deep down 

That the day would come 

Where I blew out candles alone

When I grew into my own

If I had tears left

I would shed them 

But I just stew in sorrow

Still, the wave passes

As always

And I count another year

Without you 

As always

I’m grateful for the grief

Seasoned and seared with suffering

It means that the love was very, very real

I just hate how every birthday 

Brings the very, very painful reminder

Of the day where our relationship 

Was sealed behind stone 

There seems to be no third act resurrection 

As of yet

As if the every day memory 

Isn’t torture enough 

When even successful days 

That fade with a smile

Are a slap back to reality

When my head hits the pillow

And I snap into dream land

Only to dwell restlessly on you 

All night long

I wish my dreams for the future 

Still included you 

I talk about the past like I talk about you

I leave out every little thing 

I don’t like remembering 

But you aren’t easy to forget

Or forgive

I still love you

I promise

Why can’t I keep you

Right where I want to?

I keep half expecting 

To find you stowed in my closet

With my childhood stuffed animals

Right between Monkey and Bunny

We said forever

And I almost bought it

I can't believe how long we fought

What seems like the inevitable

Nothing happened in the way I wanted

Every corner of this house is haunted

And I know I said that we're not talking

But I miss you

I'm sorry

I thought you would hate me

But you said you miss me too

Still no apology

I don't want to move on

But we've been here before

Everywhere I go leads me back to you

I’m counting down candles 

5…..

4….

3…

2..

1.

Blow out

I wish we could all be together again

I hope my release of breath

Is enough to snuff the grief again

For now

But I dread the doom of next June

Another one without you

Or even worse…

Realizing my remorse 

And paying recompense 

I miss you

I'm sorry

Are you?

Inhale

Exhale 

I wish I wasn’t still repeating the past

Inhale

Exhale

I wish you would just accept me

I wish June 8, 2021 

Wasn’t when we said goodbye 

Without knowing 

It was the last time