Cosmic Catastrophe

A heavy, existential, grief-stricken poem processing the loss of my parents in this lifetime and the (supposed) next.

"Prayers for Rain" by Christy Schwathe

I’m not religious anymore—I’m a pagan, agnostic atheist now—but I was raised in a hyper-spiritual, evangelical, doomsday Christian cult.

I use biblical and End Times apocalyptic imagery to talk about my longing for my parents, who I cut off in 2021. I can't tolerate their rejection and abuse anymore, particularly my mom's disrespect and criticism. But my grief over what could/should be and the reality that I will never spend eternity or this lifetime with them is soul-crushing.

So this is probably the hardest and most emotional poem I’ve written yet.

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Cosmic Catastrophe

From birth, I’ve dreaded

The inevitable end of your existence

I want to trap you in a locket

Or in my pocket

So I can keep you near

For the rest of mine

I never wanted to hurt you

When you fall, I want to lift you up

And drink your tears

Not bottle them or

Keep a record of wrongs

When humankind Fell—

Took a knee to sin—

Did God then wipe

And devour our tears?

Or did they let them spill over

And water the fertile

Ground and flowers

As they exiled us

From heaven on Earth?

I imagine that the beauty died

After we left

And that the earth cracked

Parched from lack of care

Aching for the weight

Of footsteps and family

To once again enrich its landscape

I’ve been wandering in the desert

Since I was cast out of paradise

Chasing dreams

That will never come to fruition

Distant memories disappear

On the horizon

Like burning sand

Slipping through my sinful flesh

Why does everything have to wither and die?

Take me back to Eden

To everlasting life

To when we were laid bare

Vulnerable and unashamed

Lie me down where

The lions nuzzle lambs

And only nip affectionately

At their necks

Take me back to the deadly calm

Before the floodwaters

Filled the Earth

And the never-before-beheld beauty

Of a sky strung with

Rainbow streamers

Celebrating the end

And beginning of an era

Transport me to the end of reality

As we know it

So I can be suspended

In your timeless gaze

Even as the world burns around us

The ashes of Eden rain down

And screams of suffering fill our ears

I would pay with every possible drop

Of sweat and blood that I possess

Trade Lucifer every soul in existence

To walk by your side again, I confess

You're my God

You're my faith

On my knees, I look at you

And I revere

I don't want to waste my time

With wonder

In apprehension

Or living life in fear

When you look up at a rainbow

Do you ever wonder

What's really waiting at the end?

I don't seek streets paved with gold...

Nothing’s worth more than you

When you look up at the cosmos

Do you ever wonder if there's an end?

It might go on forever

Like my love for you...

An amount that's hard

To even comprehend

Well, I feel light years of distance

Between us now

But you’re just across town

I don’t know if I can physically bear

To live without you because

Cheating death’s not truly my prayer

This is a catastrophe

Of cosmic proportions

The weight of gravity

Crushing me unfathomable

Hold me together or hold me apart

Regard me with love or contempt

But please…don’t depart

Don’t leave me alone again

Enfold me in your familiar hold

As we fade into eternity

Together

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