Choosing Self-Love After Love that Nearly Killed Me

I left an abusive man and living situation a week ago, in July 2021.

In reality, I escaped after he cut off all support instead of taking accountability. Building myself back up and deciding to leave has been one of the hardest but most necessary acts of self-love that I’ve committed to.

I dreamt of and planned my freedom for months after being groomed to be dependent on him only a few months out of another abusive relationship…when I was extremely vulnerable. I entered our relationship determined not to repeat the same destructive mistakes but found myself trapped with an even more manipulative, cruel man. I blamed myself for his behavior and hated myself for loving him despite all the abuse.

The past week has felt like an eternity…like my body, mind, and spirit have been stirring from a deep, dark slumber and finally stepping into the sunlight so warmth can wash over me and wake me once more.

I have been taking pleasure in the smallest, most menial daily experiences: choosing what I want to watch/listen to/do, walking my new roommates’ dog late at night, smoking alone in my bathrobe, sinking into my own mattress…feeling safe.

I welcome safety, peace, and freedom once more, and I’m not willing to part ways with them again. My body continues to breathe continually-deepening sighs of relief as my muscles begin to release the tension and stress I’ve been carrying around for the better part of a year.

So surreal and shocking to go from tip-toeing around someone’s fragile ego/psyche and planning my own death to realizing I still have decades of possibility before me. I want to fill those decades with much more joy, laughter, and love that allows me to draw a full breath in and deeply exhale with the fullness of myself. 🌬