Protection

A very graphic poem that I wrote in 2021 about some of the ways that my last partner horribly abused me.

"Two Hearts Beat as One" by Maria S. Barry

STRONG TRIGGER WARNING:

Graphic sexual language, sexual violence, and domestic abuse.

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Sebastian. Cannon. Brown.

We only had safe sex twice

Both times, you tore open the

Sheath that was separating us

Protecting me and apparently restricting

You and your pleasure

Both times, you told me that the latex

Was at fault, not you

Because you fuck

Too good

Too hard

And too long

Other men had done this to me before

And you knew that

But I’d known you for less than a week then

Both times, I believed the word of a stranger over

The dread that settled deep in my gut

That you-inflicted stomachache never dissipated

You prioritized your comfort and pleasure

Over my safety and peace of mind

And I should've realized then that

You were setting the theme

For the rest of our relationship

You used and discarded

Your hidden women

Like those dirty, busted condoms—

Split open and dripping

Like my wounded heart

Her face and name changed

But you didn’t

You haven’t

Really, you wanted to get your dick wet

And live out your porn-fueled fantasies

With a living sex doll

Meanwhile, I popped Plan B pills like they were candy

Cried and raged from the mood swings

And anxiously waited on the toilet

For one line to show up, not two

While you sat in your room and got blazed

No shame, because I’m a stoner too

But your favorite high has always been

Microdosing manipulation and power trips

You dissuaded me from birth control

Telling me just three months in

You wanted a family with me

Salivating over the thought of my belly

Swelling with your seed

Now I know how you trapped your ex-wife

Nothing and no one protected me

When you bent me over on my hands and knees

While you were on coke, weed, and boos

I was lucid and loud as hell

But no one at the party intervened

I didn’t see your face, but I imagine

Your gaze and mouth blown wide with lust and greed

With each violent thrust and grunt of “Ugh, I love you”

My insides and heart ached like they would rupture

That sure didn’t feel like love

Protection—order of protection

The only guard I have from

Your texts and calls harassing me

Your aggressive approach with a knife

Your lips curled back as you growled

Your eyes gleaming like the blade

You so often threatened your own life with

As I begged you to get help

Your words—I’ll never forget them:

“I’m trying to overstimulate you

So you’ll call the cops and

They’ll kill me.”

You enjoyed the fear in my face

Fucking sociopath

I spent that weekend night

Hiding behind a neighborhood fence

After I ran for my life out of our apartment

Like the time we were on shrooms and you

Convinced me a 5G tower was possessed

You ran toward me this time on foot

And I held my breath as you passed

You pleaded with me over text not to

Ruin your reputation

“You’re treating me like a killer,” you said

“I’m afraid you will become one tonight,” I thought

And when I laid limply on my side like a rag doll

After you convinced me to “come home”

I stared at the wall and cried quietly

So you wouldn’t hear

You again breathed down my neck

And had your fill of me before leaving me in

Tangled, stained sheets alone

I see now through the shuttered front door

Curtain-drawn windows

And hidden bunker walls that you

Have constructed to hide yourself in—

Both your protection and prison

Don’t you know that you shut me inside with you

Made me hunker down and hate

The rest of the world

As much as I’ve grown to hate you?

That now I avoid, isolate, and triple-check locks

Because of you?

You told me you loved me

But treated me like you hated me

I think you loved you and the self

You thought you saw mirrored in me

What a convincing mirage

You loved me with the worst intentions

And I couldn’t reach your ego even on my tip-toes

You swore to protect me at all costs

From the dangers and deception of the world

But you couldn't protect me from yourself

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