Ghosts of Christmas Past

This is my first holiday season in soooo long where I feel mostly positive, even without my family for the SIXTH year!!! Crazy.....I have good community and finally feel at peace with the season changes and not so much of a Grinch/Scrooge lol.

My (second) Yule fit

Christmas 2020 was my first one without family after they cut ME off. I was homesick to my stomach, stuck living with shitty men in an abusive relationship, and in the worst manic depression of my life.

Christmas 2021 was my second one without family right after cutting THEM off. I was couch surfing after I was kicked out by roommate TWO DAYS before Christmas, got Covid ON Christmas day working at a homeless shelter, was sick in bed for weeks, and slept through the new year.

Christmas 2022 was my first one in my first apartment alone, first year with my partner, and first year with my kitty. I survived the year after being in a psych ward in May after a mental breakdown at work. I believe this is the first year I spent Yule at Gaea?

Christmas 2023 was after I survived my worst wave of suicidal ideation yet and second one with my partner, but more at arm's length. I spent Christmas day working at my queer homeless shelter, caring for other hurting queers estranged from their families and decorating cookies together to numb the ache in my chest.

Christmas 2024 was my first one without my partner after they dumped me during the election, right before celebrating Yule with a group of strangers I called friends that just left me feeling lonely and anxious. This Christmas was my first one in a new house with a new roommate after I was evicted after being laid off. We threw a GREAT party.

Christmas 2025 is my SIXTH one without family?!?! And my second one in this festive yet haunted house I call a home. My flesh vessel remains, but my spirit roams restlessly looking for a safe space. I still feel mostly on my own, but I've accepted and made peace with myself and the ghosts of Christmas past, of those I need(ed) the most. I'm used to not having them in my life now...

Needless to say, the holidays have been really fucking challenging for me the past several years, in ways that pushed me past my limits. But, at least for now, I'm mostly happy, all things considered! I've even caught myself continuing family traditions on my own, humming Christmas songs, and cheerily wishing everyone happy holidays! Who am I?? (I still hate and harshly critique holiday commercialism and our hyper-consumerist culture.)

Also...Happy Yule!! I spent last weekend with Gaea Retreat Center and a sacred sexuality temple celebrating the longest night of the year with rituals and community meals. At Gaea, we discussed the historical and religious origins of Yule and how it’s about celebrating surviving another year, turning inward in deep introspection, and pruning away the dead and choosing what you want to flourish in the new year. Ultimately, Yule signifies hope and faith…trusting that the light is returning slowly but surely with the dawn, even when your senses are telling you the next day will be as dark as the previous. And isn’t that a life lesson right there? Cling onto hope, however precarious, because nightmares eventually pass when daybreak strikes like a wild match.