I Am Polyamorous

What does that mean?

Photo by Leo Tapel

I have the capacity and desire to have multiple committed, intimate relationships at a time.

What do your relationships look like?

The media fixates on triads/throuples: three people all in relationships with each other, particularly one man with two women. But the reality is that those dynamics are rare and basically PhD level poly for the level of communication and strong sense of self required.

Many people practice hierarchal polyamory, which involves having one (sometimes more) primary partnership who is prioritized above other partners, often considered secondary. But the reality is that most poly people date separately and don't rank some people over others. That's what I do.

My style of polyamory now is egalitarian and very open, with no rules, some agreements, and plenty of boundaries. I don’t operate as a Couple with my partners. We are all individuals with full agency of our bodies to have whatever relationships with whoever we please.

Of course, respecting boundaries and taking into consideration the needs of the collective. Because polyamory is about community more than anything.

I value platonic relationships much more than I used to, and don’t keep romance and sex on a pedestal anymore. Which is why I’m a relationship anarchist, because I don’t limit romantic/sexual/spiritual/platonic elements to social constructs of what each “type” of relationship “should” look like. I prefer to let each one develop naturally and be able to fluidly incorporate any elements both of us desire.

I don’t feel the need or desire to automatically go up the relationship escalator—the series of socially acceptable milestones for relationships: meet, date, move in together, merge finances, get married, have kids, etc in the “right” order. Not unless I consciously choose to with a partner. Intentionally co-creating relationships rather than falling into scripts and assumptions.

I’m solo polyamorous, which is the idea that I am my own primary partner. I put myself first. I have full autonomy of my body, but I still make agreements and commitments. And even though I date multiple people, I keep my finances and living situation independent from romantic partners. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that I’m not as committed and intimate with them! (Also it’s not very realistic to be able to survive entirely solo like that anymore.)

I value interdependence very highly. My partners don’t need my permission to do anything. They can take my opinions and needs into account, but ultimately they make their own decisions, and vice versa. I’m extremely anti-ownership of people just because you’re partners.

Why not monogamy?

I grew up entrenched in evangelical Christianity and purity culture. I was taught that God is love and that his love is infinite. Yet somehow, the idea that marriage and love are limited to one man and one woman for life (and all of eternity) was ground into me.

Jealousy is literally glorified and idolized. God is described as jealous in the pursuit of his “children’s hearts”. His love is possessive, claiming, and controlling. That was supposed to be holy, honorable jealousy, but it never sat right with me. The thought made my skin crawl.

Of course, turns out I’m a pagan agnostic atheist, queer as fuck, and polyamorous because I truly believe love is abundant and not limited to any social construct of what it should be and feel like. Nonmonogamy is also part of my spiritual practice and life philosophy now. Love is magic. It's everywhere we look. I am love, and you are too.

I don’t want to limit myself to partnering with only one gender at a time. I want to express affection freely in whatever form that takes with anyone. I don’t want how I express myself to be limited to one monogamous relationship for life. I crave variety, novelty, and excitement, but I also need grounded stability. Polyamory satisfies both for me.

"I'm way too jealous! I could NEVER be polyamorous."

I absolutely experience jealousy, especially when I was younger. I grew up feeling like I had to fight for the attention and care of the few friends I had. I had a scarcity mindset.

I won't lie, the transition from monogamy to nonmonogamy has been a long, painful process over the past couple years. I've had to unlearn a lot, but I've gone through so much healing as a result.

I’ve been working through intense anxious attachment and abandonment trauma to come to a place where I don’t limit my love. I treat jealousy now as an opportunity to examine what my specific fears are rooted in so I don’t use them to control others.

(Also I never ask for people's opinions when I'm just sharing how I do relationships.)

The goal is not to eradicate jealousy, because it’s a valid human emotion and can be a trauma response. I think deconstructing jealousy will benefit everyone, regardless of relationship orientation.

That’s not to say that people can’t have their own boundaries and be monogamous, but I just don’t believe in using your fears and trauma to control what people do/don’t do while in a relationship with you.

"But multiple relationships at once don't work!"

Just because it’s not possible for other people doesn’t make it impossible for me. I find having multiple partnerships simultaneously as natural and easy as having multiple friendships. I also feel just as devoted to them because my inclusivity of love doesn’t decrease in any way my commitment to them.

My love is unrestricted. I’m intimate with all my partners, and that intimacy takes different forms in each relationship. Again, just like friendships.

I love seeing my people be loved in many ways, not just by me!

---

If you learned something or just appreciate my writing, you can tip me at paypal.me/zoeadunning or cash.app/$zoeadunnin.