Not Your Fucking Rehab

My Kink is Karma

This is about one of my exes that I broke up with 5 years ago because he was an abusive piece of shit to me. Unfortunately, I'm still trying to process the PTSD, but poetry really helps <3

Artist unknown

TW: Domestic and intimate partner violence

Read this now on FORGE Forward's Trans Survivor blog!!

We met at a kickboxing gym

Pumping fists with

Lust and adrenaline

He was 30

And I was just fresh-faced 20

We both thought the other was 25

He asked for my number

Already whipping me up in

A whirlwind of charm

Bipolar weather a torrent of

Relentless rain and violent winds

I confused the danger with chemistry

Surrendered to the cyclones

Forming rapidly by the hour

Together we were a deadly storm

Our sex life was exciting

Tantalizing with floggers

And pegging

And power struggles

But he fucked me over

Harder than he ever fucked me

He hit me in intimate moments

Without consent

Degraded me outside negotiations

Dragged my ego through the dirt

So his could shoot up

I was his personal punching bag

He pummeled me emotionally

Round after round

I paid the price for his past pain

Giving my parents a run for their money

I lost my strength and integrity

With each blow

My heart bruised like a plum

The internal damage lethal

But invisible to other eyes

So I was a silent sufferer

Within his walls

A prisoner during lockdown

He bottled his rage

Tightened the lid and shook

Until he exploded all over me

Screaming for hours

Until I was catatonic

On the couch with fear

Paralyzed in a puddle of

Childhood memories and tears

When he calmed

He would scoop me up

And hold me tight

Rationing the tenderness I craved

Until the next time…

At first, next week

Then, the next day

His kindness paired with

A right hook of cruelty

Knocked me out

With a roundhouse kick

Of self-righteousness

His roommate didn't say a word

When he beat me to a pulp verbally

But then again

He was sharing space

With a fucking cop

He only complained

About the noise

And my pathetic attempts

To defend myself

Not about my attacker

Always flooded with adrenaline

Afraid but not in a sexy way

I didn’t feel so powerful in his eyes

He clenched the keys to my chastity

In a tight, controlling fist

Withheld respect in the other

I’m 26 now

5 years since

I last hid in the restroom from him

Since he banged on the door

Like he knocked all my walls down

But I’m still wounded

From his destruction

Still rebuilding

In the devastating wake

Of Hurricane Tommy

He loved me with passionate violence

I, a casualty of his care

That spun out of control

I led him through

Exercises of empathy

The bar so low that it was

A tavern in Hades

But he consistently failed the test

I’m no man’s fucking rehab

Just a workout regimen

Until they get tired

Physical therapy to build up

Their atrophied hearts

Like the neural pathways to mine

I no longer massage the feeling

Back into their frostbitten muscles

I’m still thawing my icy innards

Pulled out of a numb coma

My nerves scream for relief

But the pain of loving again

Is precious

I’m ready to go another round

And another

Until I find a worthy opponent

Someone who will go to therapy

Without a fight

And join forces during arguments

Us versus the problem

Not at each other's throats

On a hairpin trigger

I still find myself drifting down

Dark memory alley

Bump into his aggressive voice

Still lurking around

I’ll choke his shadow out

Until I never hear another word

Til his harsh whispers

Fade with the wind

I yell back to drown out his violence

Until his tantrum twisters

Set me back down in Kansas

I have a feeling I'm not

In danger anymore

Still, he roars

In my ear in all his

Self-righteous, deafening Leo fury

But karma is going to

Have the last laugh

And kick his fucking ass

And ohhh, my kink is karma

Fuck you, Tommy <3

xoxo