I love you, but I don't trust you

Another poem about my last partner's unfaithfulness.

I hear a ping from your phone

And your face lights up with the screen

As you hurry to type back

I wish you still smiled at me like you

Glow at the person through your phone

And I wonder what exciting conversation

You're having that I am not privileged

To be part of

I hate that seeing you happy

Strikes me with dread and suspicion

I hate how

My stomach twists into frantic knots

My heart squeezes painfully

And my mind races with possibility

Of who

And when

And where

The seeming inevitability of you

Losing yourself in the moment

And losing me for good

I’m ill from the thought of you...and her

We’ve been here before

This uncertainty

This jealous frenzy

The feeling of my entire world dissolving

With the rush of my rage and devastation

Pounding in my ears

Her face and name changes

But you don’t

Yet, here I am

Still straining to trust you

To not lose this love

Grasping at the promises you've made

At hope for the future

But hope drains out of me

As quickly as you break your word

And disregard boundaries

Blinded by your own

Lust and selfishness

You didn’t change

You got better at lying and hiding

I could not cure your selfishness

Nothing can satiate your lust

Your betrayal hurts more each time

But nothing hurts as much

As continuing to betray myself

---

If you learned something or just appreciate my writing, you can tip me at paypal.me/zoeadunning or cash.app/$zoeadunnin.